William Doonan

I write books and stories.

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Visions of Sugarplums: One Elf’s Descent into Madness

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I am trilled to announce today that the fine folks over at Every Day Fiction have chosen my flash fiction piece to turn into a podcast.  Seriously, they did a great job with this, so if you want to listen to eight minutes of pure fun, press this word coming up, the one that says LISTEN.  Yeah, that one, the one that just said listen.  And if you like the story, please be sure to vote the number of stars on the page.  If I get enough stars, I win riches and fame!

 

have a listen at – http://www.everydayfiction.com/podcast-edf149-visions-of-sugarplums-one-elfs-descent-into-madness-by-william-doonan-read-by-brian-j-hunt/

Written by williamdoonan

December 23, 2013 at 6:34 pm

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Mediterranean Grave is free today!!!

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Stop the online presses!!!!
Today only (and also tomorrow) Amazon is giving away copies of Mediterranean Grave for FREE!!
Here's the cover- it came out great!

Here’s the cover- it came out great!

Supplies of these e-books are limited, so be sure to download your copy today. And remember, they make great stocking stuffers!

Henry Grave is an investigator for the Association of Cruising Vessel Operators. A World War II P.O.W., Henry is as cunning as he is charming, and at 84 years of age, he fits right in with his fellow passengers. The cruising yacht Vesper is anchored off the Greek island of Thera, in the caldera of an ancient volcano when Henry comes aboard. An Egyptian federal agent was onboard to guard a valuable Minoan cup, but the agent was murdered and the cup, stolen. With the help of a Nicaraguan soap opera star, a New Age spiritualist, and a blind pickpocket, Henry draws on skills honed in a Nazi prison camp to track down a killer who might have his own reasons for taking this particular cruise, reasons unrelated to the sumptuous meals, delightful shipboard activities, and exciting ports of call.

12 million people take a cruise each year.
Most have fun.
Some die.
Henry Grave investigates.

Written by williamdoonan

December 12, 2013 at 5:22 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

Who is Nikolai Gorodish

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If you’re like me, you’ve been trying to answer this question for a very long time.  Please join me over at NovelSpaces to help resolve a vexing plot issue.

http://novelspaces.blogspot.com/

Written by williamdoonan

December 7, 2013 at 10:43 pm

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Grave Passage turns 4!!!!!!!!!

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Greetings readers and non-readers alike.  I have exciting news to share – my good friends at The Glencannon Press are having a fantastic holiday blowout sale, offering many of their great titles at prices so low, they’re practically begging you to take them off their hands.  And as part of this sale, my award-winning first novel, Grave Passage, is being offered for the incredibly low price of $10.  Can you believe it?  Feel free to visit their website today: www.glencannon.com.  And while you’re there, check out some of the other fantastic books they have to offer.

GravePassageCover

Hard to believe, but it has been four years since Grave Passage was published.  And in that time, more than 18,000 people have bought it in hard copy or downloaded it on Kindle. That’s a lot of books – that’s more than thirty-six times the industry average for a first novel!  And it’s still going strong.  Since this June, more than 40 people have left reviews on Amazon!

Henry Grave returned to the high seas in Mediterranean Grave, and then again in Grave Indulgence, and this April, be the first on your block to read Aleutian Grave.

Here's the cover- it came out great!

GIcoverthumbnailIn any case,  seeing that the holidays are close upon us, you should probably pick up copies today for all your friends.  AND – if you go the extra mile and leave a review on Amazon, I’ll promise to name a future character after you.  Please choose one of the following:

1) aging whore with a heart of gold
2)  vampire who looks like he’s sixteen but who is really old and likes cruises
3) crusty old biker with diabetes
4) murderous psychopath with memory issues
5) homesick calypso singer
6) narcoleptic juggler
7) hoarder from Muncie

12 million people take a cruise each year.
Most have fun.
Some die.
Henry Grave investigates.

 

 

Written by williamdoonan

November 5, 2013 at 7:48 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

CONTINENT INCONTINENT: Chapter Three

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Continent

NOTE: Chapters can be found after the CAST OF CHARACTERS.  Please scroll down.  By doing so, you will expend approximately one calorie.  You will become slightly more fit, healthier, and slightly more attractive to members of the opposite sex, or your own sex.  You can’t control who you become attractive to, but you should still scroll down.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

on the west coast

Wentworth ‘Daddy’ Burbank – industrialist, age 79
Lila Burbank – Daddy’s sixth wife, age 23
Bradley Burbank – VP of Burbank Banking, age 45
Gary – Bradley’s “friend”, age 30

on the east coast

Hilton Pine – CEO Pine Pharmaceuticals, age 74
Mavis Pine – Hilton’s wife, age 70
Ebenezer Pine, Hilton’s father, age 99
Bort Pine, VP of Pine Pharmaceuticals, age 50

in the old country

Festus MacDuff Burbank – landowner, sheep herder, age 64
Duncan MacDingle Pine – landowner, Festus’s neighbor, age 64

down under

Crocodile Pine – tour guide, age 30

at sea

Briny Burbank – fishing boat captain, age 90

Coming up next: Chapter One – in which Daddy Burbank discovers a puddle.

CHAPTER ONE

“Railroads built this country.”  Wentworth ‘Daddy’ Burbank slammed his fist on the desk.  “And railroads built this company.  I’ll be damned if I let that vulture Hilton Pine take over my railroads.”

“Easy Daddy.”  Lila Burbank rubbed her husband’s back, paying special attention to his knobby spine.  “Your blood pressure is rising faster than the hackles on a hungry bloodhound.”

“And I might add, Pops,” Bradley Burbank began, “we’ve already lost the railroads along with everything else.  You’ll recall it was Lila’s idea to invest with Bernie Madoff.”

Lila glared at him, drawing her index finger across her throat before Daddy could turn around.

“In any case,” Bradley continued, “all we have left of the railroad are nine abandoned ticket offices in Wyoming and one caboose.  Hilton Pine has offered us $50,000 for the caboose.  And given the state of our finances, I think we should accept.”

“Never.”  Daddy slammed his fist on the desk again, this time breaking a finger.  “We’ll rebuild.  Start a new railroad.”

“And another thing,” Bradley interrupted.  “Gary and I are buying a timeshare in Coral Gables.  It’s on the beach.”

Daddy looked up.  “Son, it’s time you stopped spending so much time with that boy.  He’s a bit touched.  You’re twenty-four years old.  It’s time to find a nice girl, a big buxom girl, and get married.  Give me some grandchildren, Bradley, before I pass from God’s fine earth.”

“I’m thirty,” Bradley said, “and Gary and I are in love.  That’s why we bought the timeshare.  It will bring us two weeks of pleasure each and every year.”

“Damn, damn, damn.”  Daddy slammed his fist on the desk again, breaking the rest of his fingers.

“What’s wrong, Daddy?”  Lila helped her husband to the couch.  “You knew about Bradley and Gary.  You even like Gary.  He’s good with small engines.”

“It’s not that,” Daddy told her.  “Lila, I think I’ve gone and soiled myself.”

coming up next:  Chapter 2 – in which Lila Burbank makes peace with an old enemy, and with her own urinary sphincter.

 

CHAPTER TWO

Hilton Pine was in no mood to negotiate.  “As long as I’m CEO of Pine Pharmaceuticals,” he told his family, “I’ll never let Wentworth Burbank buy my shares.”

“Easy, Pops.”  Bort stared at the portfolio in front of him.  “It’s a good offer, a generous offer.”

“I built this company from the ground,” Hilton growled.

“Say what?”  Ebenezer Pine lifted his ninety-nine year-old frame from the chair.  “Son, it was me built this company.  All you ever did was run it into the ground.

Hilton cringed.  “I did my best.”

Ebenezer had just about had enough.  “Back in the day we were producing vitamins for babies, vaccines for foreigners, and pain relievers for everyone.  Do we even make any pharmaceuticals anymore?”

Bort opened the portfolio.  “No, Grandpa, we sold off the last of them, the hemorrhoid products last spring.  All all we sell now are pine nuts, pine tar, and Pine-Sol”

“Make the call,” Ebenezer told his grandson.  “Sell it all, except for the Pine-Sol.  I like the smell.”

Bort picked up the phone.  “I’ll tell Lila.  She’s the most reasonable of the bunch.”  He waited as the phone ring.

Lila Burbank was lounging by her pool when the call came.  “Have you fools finally come to your senses?”

“Grandpa says it’s a go,” Bort told her.  “Everything but the Pine-Sol.  He likes the smell.”

Lila giggled.  “Don’t make jokes,” she told him.  “You know I pee when I laugh.”

coming up next: Chapter 3 – in which Ebenezer Pine has an accident.

 

CHAPTER 3

“I can’t stand the thought of that bastard taking over my company.”  Ebenezer Pine crumpled up the newspaper article about Wentworth Burbank.  “But I still have a few tricks up my old sleeve.”

“What do you have in mind, Grandpa?”  Bort Pine turned to face him.  “The sale went through yesterday.  The Burbanks own it all now, all except for the Pine-Sol.”

The old man grinned.  “I have a plan to take down their entire company.”

“How will you do that?”

Ebenezer Pine laughed maniacally, then suddenly stopped.  “Depends.”

“Depends on what?”

“No, I need you to bring me a Depends.  I just had an accident.”

coming up next: Chapter 4 – in which Bradley’s “friend” Gary slips in a puddle.

Written by williamdoonan

October 11, 2013 at 6:02 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

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